


five years

by whenyouheldtheknife



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Developing Relationship, Gen, I'm Sorry, Implied Relationships, M/M, Mild Language, Past Relationship(s), Phanfiction, Poetry, Prose Poem, Relationship(s), sorry it's so sad it just happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-24 09:06:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2575919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whenyouheldtheknife/pseuds/whenyouheldtheknife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>an extremely abstract phan poem in which dan and phil are abstractly talking about their relationship and lack thereof. can be read as the prequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/2596256">five years: b side</a> but could also be read as a standalone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	five years

**Author's Note:**

> 1) i am sorry in advance  
> 2) did you guys know there's an "i'm sorry victor hugo" tag because there is and i'll probably use it at some point  
> 3) please let me know what you think!  
> 4) come say hi on [tumblr](http://rudejolras.tumblr.com)

do you remember the first time we met? i was shaking when i stepped off of the train but you hugged me anyway; you held me like you were scared to let go. 

_(sometimes i wonder if you’re still scared.)_

you asked me to move in with you while i was studying at university and i’d never felt so wanted but i was afraid of what this could mean for me, for us: i knew that i would be tempted to crawl into your bed at three in the morning and sleepily kiss your neck, but i said yes anyway. 

i wish you liked cheese. 

_(i wish you liked me.)_

you used to knock on my door at four-thirty in the morning because you knew i was still awake. i let you in every time like a fucking idiot: i always knew what you were after with your warm hands and soft lips. i fell harder for you with each stilted moan of my name you breathed into my mouth. 

i still need to sleep with the lights on because not only am i afraid of the dark, i am afraid of the tightness in my chest when i hear your feet shuffle to a stop just outside my bedroom. 

_(stop looking at me.)_

don’t say my name. it sounds like a stone dropped into still water instead of the prayer it used to be. 

when i rested my hand on his thigh at the party i felt your gaze on me like a burn, but i ignored your presence and kissed him even though i felt nothing but anger clawing its way out of my chest with each bite i sucked into his neck. 

_(you’re a piece of shit.)_

when we’re lying in your bed with our clothes off and our limbs wrapped together, do you listen for my heartbeat the way i listen for yours? 

i know you liked me from the start. i know you would never say anything. 

_(i know you’re still scared.)_

the old Skype conversations are saved on my computer. ever since i deleted my tweets, they’re all i have left from the time when i thought that you loved me too. 

you cry in the shower because you don’t want me to know when you’re sad, but i can still hear your body-wracking sobs wet sniffles clattering teeth under the running water. 

_(don’t go.)_

i can also hear you when you’re touching yourself and calling my name as if the sound of it alone could redeem you for what you’ve done. 

_(these walls have always been thin.)_

you keep touching me with fire on your fingertips and lightning in your lips to mark my skin but you don’t have to do that anymore: i’ve always belonged to you. 

the last time we did it was that time on the couch when you put your hand in my hair and shoved my face into the cushion. you fucked me until i came sobbing your name and you still don’t know why i was crying. 

you’ll never fall in love with me but i’ve learned that you never will, so i’ll take what i can get. 

_(...i remember when we first met.)_


End file.
